The past 365 days have been makeup free. I’m not sure if you understand how
big HUGE of a deal this is for me.
Before this past year, you wouldn’t have found me dead without makeup on. Even if I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone, I just had to be wearing it. I couldn’t go a day without it, without looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a monster. I don’t use the term “monster” in an overdramatic way, I specifically remember thinking I looked diseased without makeup on.
Would they love you if they knew what you looked like at night?
Makeup was my shield. I hid behind it. I couldn’t feel confident without it and, even then, the confidence came only on my good days. Sure, I could fake the confidence (still do), but on the inside, I was always wondering whether or not someone loved me only for my mask.
If you looked differently, who would stick around?
I was tired of listening to the lies telling me that I would be left friendless if I didn’t wear makeup. I was tired of hearing my mind scream at me, telling me that some boy only paid attention to me because I was wearing makeup. I was done. I needed to prove to myself that I was worth more than what I was covering up.
Would this boy really be talking to you if he saw what you truly were behind all the powder?
I decided work crew was the perfect place to start. A fresh start in a new place with faces that had never seen mine before. My new, err.. original.. look would be the Colleen that they would have always known; they wouldn’t know any different. Even so, I was still extremely nervous to be this vulnerable every day. Nonetheless, they welcomed me with open arms. In the month of August, I learned that showing people endless love and unshakeable hope was worth more than showing them my luscious lashes and perfect eyeliner.
They only complimented you because you were wearing makeup.
Entering college I was met with the same challenges: first impressions. I felt constantly stared at and judged. None of this was true, for I was only being scrutinized, analyzed, and mocked by my own mind. No one else noticed and no one else cared which, in many ways, is a glorious thing. I started feeling a little more comfortable in my own skin, but only because I began realizing where my worth really comes from.
I still don’t recognize the face I see in the mirror. I just don’t. I’m still not entirely used to the person wearing my clothes with my friends in my pictures, but I’m slowly but surely learning to love her. I’m learning that spending more time each morning on my heart is more important than spending too much time each morning on my face.
Yes, most days I still feel like a sack of potatoes, but I’m learning that there are more precious things in life than looking like a polished basket of french fries.
**Disclaimer: I do not believe makeup is bad or evil in any way, it simply became that way for me.**
**Disclaimer: I have worn makeup for special events such as interviews, weddings, or performances.**
**Disclaimer: Whether or not you wear makeup, you are beautiful. You are loved.**